Hello. I'm Chela, I'm 20 years old and I'm an uni student living in Madrid. This is my main blog. I pretty much post whatever i want. I have a variety of tastes so there is a chance that'll I'll post stuff you don't like. I tag my stuff so no worries. If you want to talk to me or ask any questions or whatever, my ask box is always open.


margaeryityrell replied to your post: Trigger warning: eating disorders

it’s okay. i know everyone is gonna say to be tough and strong, but honestly if you can’t be just talk to us. that’s what friends are for. you aren’t alone, ever. we still love you.

thanks! I believe you’re the one I had the conversation with, when I was just telling people I was eating so they would believe I was in recovery so that I wouldn’t have to feel guilty for worrying them anymore. which is something I believe you can understand. 

however, I am actually trying to make a conscious effort to recover just because I’m trying a concetrated effort to just suck all the poison out of my life and it felt counter-intuitive to do that and then continue not eating. 

I think the hardest part is that when it comes to recovery, I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can talk to, because no one really understands? which sounds very woe-is-me but I don’t think it makes it any less true. I decided very early on, that one of the things I had to do was to stop pretending that I don’t have an eating disorder and that I don’t still have eating disordered thoughts, because I think repressing that is more for the benefit of other people, and it’s not helping me at all to learn how to function despite that those thoughts.

but admitting I have those thoughts to other people is also problematic, because no one wants to hear it, y’know? no one wants to know that I don’t actually feel hunger cravings. no one wants to know that I feel like I’m bloated all the time because I’m not used to being full. no body wants to know any of that because I hid a lot of that while I was eating disorder. I mean it got to the point where I was terrified of what I was doing to myself.

I mean, I’m recovering because I was tired of feeling scared, to be honest. but it’s not really even because I want to or because I feel comfortable doing it, it just feels like I need to. but the way I deal with stress is by not eating and I’m dealing with a lot of stress and forcing myself to go through more stress by eating. and I feel depressed and anxious all the time, and I don’t really feel like I can really talk to anybody about that because 1.) I’ll feel guilty making them worry and that just makes more anxious and 2.) they don’t understand what it feels like cause eating all the time can only be a good thing, right? 

well, yeah, but it doesn’t feel like it. so that’s why it’s hard to talk to people, because I don’t really feel like anyone wants me to talk honestly about it and because even if I did, anything they could say isn’t really going to make me feel better, because it doesn’t change anything. it doesn’t change what I think or feel. it just feels like I’m swallowing their words so that I can change the subject. and that sucks. 


I used to admire your mouth.

I used to think it was good for something,

but you only ever spoke to me

with a spoon in your hand.

You started feeding me lines

the day I met you.

Now I am full

and neither one of us

has enough patience for the other.

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